


Helium Balloon

by SuspiciousLandlady



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Accident, Angst, Bertholdt and Marco are best friends, Bertholdt wonders profound things, Character Death, I am so sorry, I just wanted to write something, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Sadness, Suffering, This is just something very angsty, and I can't tag atm, hnngh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-23 04:39:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3754888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuspiciousLandlady/pseuds/SuspiciousLandlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bertholdt feeling shitty and Marco tries to comfort him. Well because Marco is Marco, he makes Bertholdt feel a lot better but then fate decides to go against them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Helium Balloon

**Author's Note:**

> So I was listening this Finnish song called "Heliumpallo" (Helium balloon) and then I felt like I must write something. This is what I wrote and oh boy this turned out to be soooooo angsty piece. I'm crying, what have I done. Oh dear lord I think I'll burn in hell because of this. I am so sorry.  
> ~
> 
> Who doesn’t ever take off because of love  
> Will never break into pieces in too high  
> Lift your gaze to the sky  
> From there I float little by little:  
> Helium balloon that was allowed to explode  
> ~ PMMP - Heliumpallo (Finnish lyrics translated to English)  
> 

_All I remember from that night is the fact that I had very nice time._

It was dark September night. I had been all exhausted after my work and to be honest, the whole day had felt like shit. Nothing went as I'd wanted, my boss was insulting me all day because why not, I'm too nervous to stand against his words. I just let them in and kill my mood. He'd always been shitty boss and sometimes I found myself thinking why I haven't already quit the job and try to find new one. I don't know, I honestly don't know.

The thing I've always been lacking is high self-esteem. How to believe in yourself? How could I believe in myself? I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I can't do anything right. Everyone is better than me, everyone has skills. I don't have anything like they do.

My friend Marco used to say that I can do things, that I'm not worthless. He seemed to always be happy. Yes, seemed to. I knew he had suffered from the same problem as I am right now. I don't know how he beat his inner demons but after he had won them, he was always trying to help me.

You know what happened? Maybe you can guess. It's so painful to say...

_He died._

* * *

 

I'd been working since morning and the closer the end of my shift was coming, the more tired I got. The little restaurant was always busy and because I'm a little bit clumsy when I get nervous, you can guess that I made a couple of mistakes. My shitty boss got angry again. He got always angry when something didn't went well and because I'm unlucky, It's usually me who screws up.

"You should concentrate your attention while you're working. C'mon, this is the third time. How many times you're going to spill everything to the floor?" My boss hissed and his words made me nestle down, repeating small apologies over and over again.

His words got uglier and when he was finally said everything to dishonor me, I got permission to go home, or like he said, "get the hell out of here and try to focus more tomorrow."

It was September day and weather had gotten colder. I could feel the coldness even if I was wearing seven coats at the same time. Someone once told me that I am sensitive to the cold because I'm so thin. Maybe that is right. I've always been tallest but at the same time I've been thin like a stick. I've tried to exercise and grow some muscles or something but it hasn't worked at all.

Finally arriving to the door of my home, I search the key what's hiding somewhere deep in my coat's pocket. After finding it, I opened the door and stepped inside. "Hello?" I asked while taking my coat and shoes off. No answer. Reiner must be still at his workplace.

We lived in a third floor. Our apartment was small but it was more than enough for us. We did indeed sometimes dream about own house, somewhere with more nature and nice neighbors. Our current neighbors looked down us like we were piece of junk. They thought something like that, they didn't like our relationship. I was used to hear 'how sick I am because I'm in love with a man' or 'how I will burn in hell'.

My phone started to ring when I was in the middle of making dinner. I managed to answer before the caller would end the call.

"...Hey?"

"Hey Bertholdt!" Marco's voice was happy, full of life and he sounded excited. I honestly don't know where he gets all his energy and enthusiasm for life. Life has thrown shit on his face but still he somehow manages to stay strong and fight back.

"Hey Marco. How are you?" I asked and focused to cook at the same time. I didn't want to burn anything. "I'm fine! Or to be honest not only fine, something just happened today and I can't believe it really happened." I lifted my eyebrows and wondered what had happened to him.

"Ohh, can you tell me what happened? Did Jean do something?" Marco and Jean had been together since high school. I've always thought that they are very cute pair. They complement each other, they're made to be a pair.

"Actually, we got engaged." His voice was now a little bit shy but at the same time I knew he was smiling his sweet smile. Finally, We've been waiting the day when Jean or Marco makes the next movement. "Really? Congratulations! I'm so happy for both of you!" I felt how my mood was getting better, I was getting surprisingly happy.

We talked a lot and it felt like we've been talking forever after Reiner came home. Marco and I decided to meet later and just hang out like good friends usually do. During dinner I told Reiner about Marco and Jean's situation and we both agreed that it was about time. Marco's always been close friend to us and when Jean came along, we knew after the first meeting that he was the one for Marco.

* * *

 

Marco and I met at the park. Yeah, it probably was weird that two men were sitting in the park at the night but hey, we loved it. The air was clean and cold and we kept staring at the stars.

We didn't try to hide anything while we were talking. Marco could see through me and he was able to see that I'd had shitty day. He was always there to listen to me when I was lamenting about everything. He was there to pat my shoulder and remind me that everything will turn out fine.

When we were just sitting there silently after I had complained about everything, something ran to the park and scared us. It was a cat but the poor thing had something tied around its tail. The thing was actually just a balloon, someone must have been thinking that it's nice little trick. We didn't laugh, it wasn't funny at all. Poor cat was scared.

Typically Marco was the first one to go closer and help the poor animal. When the balloon was no longer tied around cat's tail, Marco came back and was holding the red balloon now. "Whoever did that should have some shame. That cat probably hadn't done anything to deserve that kind of treatment." My voice was little tense because I hated when people abused animals. Marco nodded and sat down again, still holding the balloon.

I'm not sure what time it was but when we finally stood up, Marco insisted that we should hop into his car and take a small city tour. The city was full of lights during the night. Reiner was waiting me at home but I still nodded and agreed. It sounded perfect. If I had known how our city tour ended up, I would have refused to go. Because I'm not any kind of fortune-teller, I had no idea how I would regret afterwards.

Marco let go the balloon he had held and we watched how it floated toward the night sky.

The city tour was lovely as we had expected. There wasn't any traffic and we had a chance to explore the lights and enjoy. Life didn't seem as bad as I had thought before. It felt nice. Everything felt nice.

The last thing I saw was bright lights and I heard how Marco said something but I couldn't understand what he said. There was a loud crash and then I felt how something warm started to drain on my face. Horrible pain went through my body and then everything went black.

* * *

 

I don't know how long I was unconscious but when I finally woke up, I found myself lying on the hospital bed. I tried to remember what had happened, I didn't know why I was lying there. All I could remember was that Marco and I had nice time, talking and listening each other.

Wait a minute. Marco, where was he? What happened? The pictures from that night started to clear up and now I could remember the bright lights and the pain all over my body. I remembered Marco said something but now I was sure that he didn't actually say anything. He screamed.

Reiner had been next to me all days. I had actually been unconscious about two days. Reiner had left me only when he had to go back to home and then during the daytime he had come back and stayed beside me and waited my awakening.

"Bertholdt...." Reiner whispered and wrapped his arms around me. He held me and stroked my back. I was still little woozy but I managed to open my mouth and ask him a question. "Reiner... Is Marco okay?"

Reiner's grip got tighter and I was able to feel how he clenched his teeth together. When he pulled away, I saw how his eyes were teary and I knew that he was going to tell me very bad news.

"Bertholdt... Marco is... Marco is dead."

I felt how something inside me shattered into pieces. I was looking at him like I couldn't understand what he said. No way, I understood very well.

After the idea really hit me, I felt how tears started to escape from my eyes. I didn't want to believe it. There was no way that was possible. Reiner must be joking. I wanted to tell myself that it was just nasty joke, joke gone wrong. I wanted to believe so but deep inside I knew it was true.

I couldn't say anything. I just started to cry like a helpless child. I felt like it, I felt like I was helpless. Reiner was there with me, he stroked my hand and hold back his own tears.

Marco was gone. My dear friend was dead and you know what was the worst part? If I would have refused the stupid city tour, something like this wouldn't have happened.

And before I got more chances to blame myself, I remembered something. Oh dear lord, what about Jean? They had just got engaged and now Marco was dead. I felt how guilty started to grow inside me.

_I'm so sorry Jean. I'm so sorry..._

* * *

 

I don't remember when I got out of the hospital. All I wondered was that how in the hell I was almost okay, just bruises, tiny wounds and concussion. How I managed to escape the death? I don't know.

My boss gave me days off and he told me how sorry he was about loss of my friend. Yeah right, I was sure the idiot didn't know how I was suffering. He just said that because that's what humans do. They say they're sorry even if they don't know how it feels, how it hurts.

I lost my sense of time. I didn't watch the clock, I just went to sleep when I felt and stayed up afterwards. Reiner took care of me, even though he was struggling between his work and babysitting me. I felt like I was losing my sanity, like I was giving up everything.

Reiner cooked dinner even though he knew he wasn't good at it. He still tried and I ate even though I was sure I couldn't taste anything. When he wasn't around, I was sitting in the middle of the room, staring at the walls or at the ceiling.

Annie came to visit sometimes. She helped when Reiner was too busy. She tried to speak with me, but everything she said went in one ear and out the other. I bet she realized that but she still tried to communicate with me.

At some point I tried not to sleep. I had nightmares and I didn't want to see them anymore. They always reminded me about Marco and our last moments at the park. I hated them. They were so delusional delirium trips.

Reiner was worried about me and it didn't made me feel any better. He gave me lots of kisses and hugs, always reminding me how he loved me but I was still at this state of mind.

One day I was standing at the tiny balcony and watching the city. Reiner hadn't arrived home yet and I was scared that I was going to do something stupid. My knuckles were almost white, my grip was tight. Good thing that the balcony railing wasn't alive.

I was biting my lower lip. Jean had paid a visit just a while ago. He looked bad, he looked like he had cried himself dry. He probably had. I knew it. I repeated his words over and over again.

" _Bertholdt.. I know you're feeling guilty about what happened. Please, don't feel like that. It wasn't your fault. You don't have to apologize about it... It wasn't your fault. I hope you understand that. It wasn't and it makes me even more sadder when I think about how you're blaming yourself. It wasn't your fault._ "

I winced when I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was Reiner, he had come home and I hadn't noticed about it. I felt how he wrapped his hands around my torso and hugged me behind. "It's going to be okay. I think... I think even Marco wouldn't want to see you suffering this hard. He would want you to continue your life. It's okay to feel sad. I just... I'm just afraid..."

He pressed soft and light kisses to my back and then he sighed.

We stayed like that, even though it was cold. The whole city looked dead to me.

Then I suddenly noticed something flying on the sky. Something what was floating little by little. It was red and round.

It was a helium balloon.

I was staring at it. While I watched its journey, I felt how something inside me was trying to come to life again. My cold body felt suddenly warm.

I turned around and looked Reiner. "Reiner... I think... I think I'm getting better. It wasn't my fault..." My words made Reiner wince, but then he smiled and nodded. "You're getting better. It's okay to miss him. I miss him too. It's okay to feel weak, it's okay to cry." He stroked my cheek before he went back to inside.

I stood there before turning around again and looking at the sky. The helium balloon was still there, still floating higher.

Life is unpredictable. It's like a helium balloon what is flying on the sky. Everyone dies. Every helium balloon explodes.

I miss him as much as everyone else. We were like helium balloons. I'm still on my journey, still floating higher. Marco was a helium balloon that was allowed to explode too early. We can't bring him back, but I'm sure he's watching us.

_Goodbye Marco. I'll keep fighting with my inner demons. I will some day win them like you did. Thank you for everything._

**Author's Note:**

> Waaa I am so sorry.  
> If you want to listen the song, here's a link. I found this song on youtube with someone who had kindly translated it to english. There you go:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XaAn9NsfDw
> 
> And by the way, it's 5 AM now and I didn't have beta-reader for this piece. There WILL BE mistakes because I am tired and I need to go to sleep. I will try to search them when I get up but for now on, it will stay like this.


End file.
